Wow, another one today! I really don't have a life...

I don't know what to believe about love. I want to think that there are just certain people who are made for each other, that nothing can keep them apart. I want to believe that even those perfect matches will have a few ups and downs, but that there are people who are just meant to be. I want to believe that I've found him, that I just have to wait until I'm back in Maryland permanently for it to be all better.

But what I'm starting to think is that it won't work. I am in love with a boy who doesn't love me back. It's bound to happen at least once in our lifetime, right? Maybe this is just something that I have to get over. I know I don't want to, I know I'd rather he took me back, accepted my faults, and things went back to the way they were.
I know I fucked up. I've kicked myself over it for two months.
I've ruined the only relationship that meant something to me.

I mean, I've had a few boyfriends, but I've never been attached to someone like this.
I don't know what to do.

And now I'm crying again. I've been a bundle of emotions for the past few months. It doesn't take more than his name to send me into a depressive mood, and me dwelling on it sends me into a fit of tears.

How do you fix a broken heart?
Can you fix a broken heart?

Maybe I have to give it a lot of time.
Two months can't be long enough.

I know I should stop trying to hear his voice. I should stop trying to chat with him every time he's online. I should stop obsessing over every little thing he does.
I can't help it. He's absolutely the most perfect guy I've ever met.
He's everything I've ever hoped for in a guy.

Except the whole loving me back thing.

God, I'm such a stalker.
I'm listening to his music right now.
It's the only way I can listen to his voice.

I'm too afraid to call him.
I don't want the rejection again.

Yeah, again. I asked him out a little over a month ago. He said no. I should have just accepted that he didn't want me.
I guess I just like to torture myself with knowing I've lost someone absolutely amazing.

I came back to school to be asked out by the guy who caused all the drama in the first place.
I shouldn't blame him for the fiasco.
I tried to find someone here who I could connect with, and I ended up becoming friends with a guy who reminded me of my now ex. He made a few jokes that reminded me of my guy, and I thought, 'See, there are other great guys out there. Long distance doesn't work, I should move on.' And now that's practically the only regret I have in my life.
Anyways, I turned down the boy, and he cried. He said I strung him on, and it was unfair.
I wanted to shout at him. He was blaming me.
And he was right to blame me.
But I didn't want to accept that blame yet.
I do accept it.
But I don't want to face the consequences.
I don't want to lose him (even though I already have).

It sucks.