I have...

A very nice older brother :]

I'm feeling a little better today :]

I think being busy makes me distracted enough that I don't have time to bring myself down.

I've got a busy day, and a busy weekend :]
So, maybe I'll continue to get better.

After all, German badge is in a few weeks. I have to be ready. I have to get gold.

Study time :] I have two quizes coming up in less than 2 hours. Gots to be ready!

Have a nice day ya'll!

Blahh.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm tired all the time. I have problems sleeping. I have headaches constantly. I get winded walking up the stairs. I get dizzy when I stand up. I cry all the time (for no reason). I'm not hungry. I get nauseous when I eat. My whole body shakes for no reason (mostly just when I'm standing up)

I had to drop out of a battalion run on Tuesday. I never do that. I'm the fastest girl in the battalion. I've never dropped out of a run before. I almost blacked out.
The Colonel took me to the hospital today to get registered so that I could make an appointment to see the doctor.

My brother thinks I'm depressed. He called my dad and told him. So my dad told my mom, and my mom called me twice today. That's more than she called me all of last semester combined.
My dad sent me an email with a link to colleges in Maryland that had Army ROTC and dental programs. He said I should go to Johns Hopkins, but it's insanely expensive. I couldn't afford that (even though it would be so great to go there).

eh, I'll probably end up toughing it out.


On a happier note, I won $1000 today :]

So,

I chickened out again.

He doesn't want to talk to me anyways.

But I'm watching a good movie :]
Good Will Hunting.
I like it.


PT in the morning.
But I'll write something more interesting tomorrow.

I felt very...

...productive today.
I turned in all of my assignments on time, got to my classes on time, and I even went to a study session.
All without a single drop of caffeine :]

Wow, another one today! I really don't have a life...

I don't know what to believe about love. I want to think that there are just certain people who are made for each other, that nothing can keep them apart. I want to believe that even those perfect matches will have a few ups and downs, but that there are people who are just meant to be. I want to believe that I've found him, that I just have to wait until I'm back in Maryland permanently for it to be all better.

But what I'm starting to think is that it won't work. I am in love with a boy who doesn't love me back. It's bound to happen at least once in our lifetime, right? Maybe this is just something that I have to get over. I know I don't want to, I know I'd rather he took me back, accepted my faults, and things went back to the way they were.
I know I fucked up. I've kicked myself over it for two months.
I've ruined the only relationship that meant something to me.

I mean, I've had a few boyfriends, but I've never been attached to someone like this.
I don't know what to do.

And now I'm crying again. I've been a bundle of emotions for the past few months. It doesn't take more than his name to send me into a depressive mood, and me dwelling on it sends me into a fit of tears.

How do you fix a broken heart?
Can you fix a broken heart?

Maybe I have to give it a lot of time.
Two months can't be long enough.

I know I should stop trying to hear his voice. I should stop trying to chat with him every time he's online. I should stop obsessing over every little thing he does.
I can't help it. He's absolutely the most perfect guy I've ever met.
He's everything I've ever hoped for in a guy.

Except the whole loving me back thing.

God, I'm such a stalker.
I'm listening to his music right now.
It's the only way I can listen to his voice.

I'm too afraid to call him.
I don't want the rejection again.

Yeah, again. I asked him out a little over a month ago. He said no. I should have just accepted that he didn't want me.
I guess I just like to torture myself with knowing I've lost someone absolutely amazing.

I came back to school to be asked out by the guy who caused all the drama in the first place.
I shouldn't blame him for the fiasco.
I tried to find someone here who I could connect with, and I ended up becoming friends with a guy who reminded me of my now ex. He made a few jokes that reminded me of my guy, and I thought, 'See, there are other great guys out there. Long distance doesn't work, I should move on.' And now that's practically the only regret I have in my life.
Anyways, I turned down the boy, and he cried. He said I strung him on, and it was unfair.
I wanted to shout at him. He was blaming me.
And he was right to blame me.
But I didn't want to accept that blame yet.
I do accept it.
But I don't want to face the consequences.
I don't want to lose him (even though I already have).

It sucks.

I'm an 18 year old shut-in

It's the weekend. I'm a college student.
That should mean I'm off getting 'krunk', partying, doing drugs, whatever it is kids do now a days. I'm a rare species of college student.

I don't drink.
I don't do drugs.
I don't have sex (I'm waiting until marriage).
I don't party.

I'm not anti-social. I just haven't found my group here in Texas. I found them in Maryland. Hopefully I'll find them here.

I do spend some time with the ROTC kids. I'm a cadet in the program here, so I've made a few friends through that.

But they spend their time with me trying to get me to be more like them (getting wasted every time they have enough money for the alcohol).
I had one idiot try to force feed me a margarita on Friday.

That's when I left.

(I was at my brothers place for the food. His roommate cooked for us.)

I'm not a typical kid.
If you've ever seen Family Guy, I'm the Meg of the family.
Except, they're all suspicious that I'm actually trying to become a prostitute or something.

My family annoys me at times, but they're family, so that's what they're here for.


So, instead of going out for the weekend, I've spend my days sitting in my room, surfing the interweb and watching TV (which I just bought! I was so excited :]).

I know, my life is thrilling.
I don't know how you can bear it.
I bet you're in awe of the amazingness in my life.

I bet no one is reading this.

Except, maybe me.

If you're not me, and you've read this entry, please comment. Even if you're some random person. I just want to see who reads this. If anyone does.

I know, two blogs in one day...

So, I've been pretty excited to have my first blog.
I've been creeping on other people, to see what has been done.

A lot of the blogs were in different languages.
A lot of the blogs were only used once.
A lot of the blogs were full of pictures.

A lot of the blogs I've seen were created when I was still in elementary school. I feel young.


What am I saying? I am young.


We young people take our youth for granted. We're trying to grow up too quickly. When I was 8, I couldn't wait to finally be 10 (be in the double digits). When I was 10, I couldn't wait to be 13 (being a teenager was going to be great!). When I was 13, it was 16 I was looing foward to (who couldn't wait to drive?). I think you get the picture...
Why can't we just enjoy the life and time we have?

When I'm old, and I look back at my life, I want to be able to say that I enjoyed my childhood, that my youth wasn't wasted waiting for the future, rather, I spent my time relishing in the present.

The first blog

So, I felt the need to write things down. I have an atrocious memory, one I'd like to thank my Mom for, and I felt like this might help me remember the little things I tend to forget.

I really don't expect people to read this.
Ever.

But I do want somewhere I can put my thoughts down.
And just typing them into word seemed lame.

Of course, my writing in general is lame. But, hopefully, it will improve.
If not, that's okay. I only need enough to get me into (and through) dental school.
I don't expect to be an author.
Or even an Anne Frank of bloggers. (I'm not a jew ;])


I just needed somewhere to vent so that my friends don't hate me for shoveling all my negativity into their lives. Something I can read when I'm bored in my old age.

I guess I'll introduce where I am at this point in my life.
I'm 18, a college student in Texas, a Maryland girl at heart.
I'm currently stuck in a constant depressive state.
All over a boy.
I know, I'm a silly little girl, there are other fish in the sea, I'll get over it, blah blah blah. Maybe I just need time. For now though, I am obsessed with keeping in contact with a boy who probably despises me.
I should move on.
It's not healthy, this mood I've been in.
I don't feel like eating, going out, even leaving my bed (or computer).
Wow, I sound suicidal. I'm not, I swear.
I'm actually terrified of dying. And that's the only reason I've decided I don't need psychological help. I'll muck through it.

I have a feeling he likes another girl.
One who shares my name.
Ironic, right?

I don't blame him. I mean, I'm 1800 miles away. We tried the whole distance thing, I was a disgrace of a girlfriend, and I hurt him.
He's a great guy, and he deserves to be happy.

I'm just bitter.

It doesn't help that Valentines day is coming up.
I've never understood the attraction of Valentines day. I mean, when I was younger, I always hoped that when I was old enough to have a boyfriend, he'd bring me chocolate and flowers and we'd have a picnic and camp out under the stars.
And I've never had a boyfriend for the 'holiday'.
I sound bitter.

I guess I am.
I figured this would be the year, and I screwed myself over.

I'm going to buy myself chocolate and hole up in my room and have a movie marathon.
Unhealthy, yes.
Fun, maybe.
The only option for the day, most definately.

I know, I'm a loser.
I've known for years.